Why the Mandalorians lost the Wars
by SmileMandalore
Summary: So this is something I wrote a while ago. With my sick humor. So yeah. Read it if you want. Um... It features aspects from the Matrix, Austin powers and other movies and things... yeah... please don't kill me. Please R
1. Chapter 1

-Blurb: We all know that the Mandalorians lost the Mandalorian wars, but how? We know that Revan helped the republic defeat them, but what did she do to ensure a Republic victory? Here are a few ways that she could of won the war for the republic, with a few being ripped off some movie or book or something...

Teeheehee... Ssh. What they don't know won't hurt.

_Three weeks after writing this, SmileMandalore found herself being sued by several directors and authors... _oops...

Disclaimer: So I don't get sued, like the teaser said, I would like to point out that, as much as I would love to claim the imagination for anything scifi, Matrix, Star Wars, or anything like that, I don't own Star Wars, Knights of the Old Republic I & II, The Matrix, any of said movie's and game's characters or settings, and anything else that turns up in this really really weird story. Enjoy my weird sense of humor! (Or laugh at it._** I don't mind!**_)

_**Case 1...**__ If we're gonna lose, let's do it MATRIX style!_

"Take the red pill... They taste like **STRAWBERRIES**!"

They fell for the oldest trick in the book. Revan stood there holding her hands out. In each one sat a pill, one blue, one red. One ensured a Mandalorian Victory, the other ensured their defeat. You would think that Revan, being on the Republic's side, would want Mandalore to take the one that would cause them defeat. Mandalore, thinking that Revan was trying to trick him, took the blue one. He swallowed it, chuckling to himself.

Revan just looked at him, confused. "Why'd you eat the blue one?" She asked, pulling her hands back and putting the red one in her pocket.

Mandalore laughed, "You can't fool me jedi! You wanted me to eat the red one because it would ensure your side's victory,but you were wrong... Oh so wrong."

"No, you were wrong." Revan continued, "I suggested the red one because it would let the Mandalorians get stronger and win. I don't care which side wins or loses, at the end of the war, me and my followers are only going to become sith lords and conquer over which ever side wins this wats. Aswell as this, the red ones taste really nice, and I was only trying to be kind. Oh well." Revan had a look of innocence on her face.

Mandalore, apparently not hearing the part where she described why she suggested the first one (except for the strawberry flavour part), grabbed her robes and pinned her against the wall. "STOP IT WITH YOU MIND TRICKS JEDI!" He continued, "YOU CAN'T FOOL ME! THE ONLY REASON YOU WANTED ME TO EAT THE RED ONE WAS SO THAT THE REPUBLIC WOULD WIN. _Anyway, us Mandalorians don't even like strawberries..."_

"Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you." Mandalore dropped Revan who retreated off to the Republic Camp.

Three weeks later, Mandalore was slain and the Republic came out victorious.

_Three weeks after that, Revan became a sith lord, and her followers switched sides with her. She wore a strawberry scented mask which filled her nostrils with said fruit's sweet scent. It reminded her of her victory over the Mandalorians, and also gave her the ability to coax the remaining ones into doing her biding. As for the red pill, well, let's just say that a guy name Vrook found it lying in a dumpster..._


	2. Chapter 2

_**Case 2... **__Why all the Mandalorians hate people with the name Yuusuke... (I do not mean to be mean to the name Yuusuke, I love that name. it's just that it was in my head at the time of writing this... SORRY!)_

He was the blonde one; the good looking one. All the females wanted him; all the males wanted to be him. He was also the best fighter. So why, in the most crucial battle which would decide the fate of the Mandalorians did Yuusuke disappear?

"I really, really needed to pee." Yuusuke answered when Mandalore asked him where he had been during the last battle. They'd taken heavy casualties during the last battle, and he was sure that the next battle would be their utter defeat.

"You needed to pee?" Mandalore quieried.

Yuusuke nodded. He was sure that under Mandalore's helmet, the eyes of the old man were glaring at him, angrily.

Mandalore grabbed him by his collar and pinned him up against the wall. "I should kill you where you stand." Mandalore said. "But, we need you. You are by far the best fighter."

Mandalore dropped Yuusuke and paced in front of him. "We are planning an attack on a nearby Republic base. I will be heading this attack, so if we fail, the Republic wins the war. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?"

Yuusuke nodded. "So you better be there, or you will soon find that our race will be extinct. Now go and train." Yuusuke nodded again and left Mandalore's quarters. For some obscure reason, a Jedi Master with a grumpy face came prancing into Mandalore's quarters, asking for strawberries.

Yuusuke trained with the best fighter in his clan, but none were a match for him. Yuusuke retreated to his quarters, hoping to get a good rest before heading off with the clan to attack tomorrow. That night he dreamt of water, running water. Yuusuke sat up suddenly, really needing to pee. Yuusuke ran to his refresher, only to find that it only contained a paint can and a paint brush. THAT"S RIGHT! HE WAS HAVING IT RENNOVATED!

Yuusuke tried to think quick. _AHA! _He thought, proud of himself, _the barrels around the corner of my quarters. _Yuusuke ran out of his apartment and to the barrels. He opened one, a foul smell entering his nostrils. Thinking that no-one would mind, Yuusuke went about his business. (Of which we shall not go into details about. Mandalorians deserve their privacy.)

The attack was on. Yuusuke's fighting skills were no match for his opponents. he breezed through and saw Mandalore up ahead, fighting with a young woman. Thinking that Mandalore could take on such a weak girl, he left him to go take down several turrents. Two minutes later, Mandalore was slain and the remaining Mandalorians were forced to flee back to their camp.

Second in command Ordo, (no, not Canderous, his really nice brother), addressed the camp.

"We may have fallen. Mandalore may have been slain, but we live to fight another day!" A barrel was brought next to Ordo. Yuusuke instantly recognised the barrel. _OH DEAR... I don't like where this is going._

Ordo dipped his cup into the barrel and picked up some of the liquid it carried. He held his cup up, as a toast. "Let us drink to another day!" Before the cup reached Ordo's lips, Yuusuke stood up.

"I don't think that's a good idea." He said.

Ordo tilted his head in an angry manner. "Why?"

What could he say? That he peed in the alcohol? No. He had to think of a different excuse, if only to keep his dignity. "Alcohol is vile and will make you tipsy."

The whole clan laughed. "You truely are weak Yuusuke." Ordo lifted the cup to his mouth and lapped up the liquid. Only to spit it out several seconds later.

_Three weeks later, Yuusuke's body was found mauled and with a note by Jedi master Revan. The note read, "As a gift of surrender, we offer you the body of our own." Revan smiled, her job here was done. (The truth is, they'd killed Yuusuke for peeing in the alcohol, just if you didn't catch on)._


End file.
